🌱 The Unspoken Gap: What You Say vs How You Feel

Feel vs say. Name it to tame it. Perception.

Mitchell Cohen
February 23, 2025

Here’s your actionable 3 insights in 3 minutes.

I used to feel uncomfortable telling people I’m going to a funeral. They’d say, “Sorry for your loss.” My instinctive response? “It’s okay.”

But it wasn’t. It wasn’t “okay” — it of course mattered.

A better response would’ve been a simple, “thank you, I appreciate it.”

There’s often an unspoken gap between how we feel and what we say.

We avoid pain and discomfort, so we deflect.

We say things like “It doesn’t matter” — when deep down, it absolutely does.

Julia Cameron puts it perfectly:

“To therapists, this surge of sudden disinterest (‘It doesn’t matter’) is a routine coping device employed to deny pain and ward off vulnerability.”

Funny how we say one thing, but often mean another:

Next time you catch yourself saying one of these, maybe worth pausing. Then getting curious what’s underneath.

Here’s the best part.

Putting feelings into words reduces emotional overwhelm and also helps you take action.

Dr. Dan Siegel, Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA, calls this, “Name it to tame it.”

When you label what you’re feeling, it quickly becomes less intense and more manageable.

Why it works:

✅ Reduces anxiety. Naming the emotion makes it feel lighter & less overwhelming.

✅ Creates clarity. Once you name it, you can understand why you feel that way and what’s really going on.

✅ Puts you in control. Instead of emotions controlling you, you can choose to respond intentionally instead of just reacting impulsively.

For example, instead of “I feel bad” try this:

1️⃣ Name it. To get more specific: “I feel stressed and overwhelmed because I have too much on my plate.”

2️⃣ Frame it. To get clarity: “I feel this way because I’ve taken on too many project and haven’t set clear priorities.”

3️⃣ Claim it. To take action: “I’m going to focus on only one project and delegate the rest.”

Worth noting, this whole “name it to tame it” was new for me. My default was “it’s all good” and push through. (btw I don’t recommend that route.)

I still have to consult this emotion wheel to figure out the right words for what I’m actually feeling.

Wheel of emotions

Dr. Siegel came up with the “Name it to tame it” which I love (more on his work in this short video).

I just added the other rhymes to make it easier to implement.

Awareness creates choice.

Intentional choices creates change.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

— Carl Jung

Salud,
Mitchell